I'm part awesome, part fun, and 100% wacked out.....Part 1

So for the next few blog posts I'm gonna do a little of history, of why I am the way I am. Oh come on, it'll be fun. So sit down, strap on yer snuggie, and be prepared to laugh...cry....or just shake your head in disbelief. O_o

When I was little, and when I say little, I wasn't actually little, I was a giant in a tiny body. Chub-ster. N-E-ways, when I was little, I used to fake a tummy ache, so I could get a baby chewable Tylenol, because those things were shiztastic! I also always loved Triaminic, it was medicine ya know, but oh so tasty. If there was anything good about having a cold, it was the sweet taste of the purpley, sugary, high fructose corn syrupy cough medicine. *SLURP* Ahhhh...


Then, my mom, bless her <3, went all crazy, and decided to go "natural".  Umm, WTHeck Mom? Baby Tylenol, Triaminic, and cough drops that were pure sugary goodness went bye-bye, and was replaced with....*insert dry heaving*....Rosemary Tincture.  You know that taste in your mouth that you get right before you ralph?  Thinking about this stuff stimulates that reflex. *dry heave*  Oh, what is it, you ask?  Oh-ho-ho-ho, it is a TOXIC, vomitous combination of fresh Rosemary, and Vodka. No lie. WTHeck Mom?  You put the Rosemary sprigs in a large jar with the vodka, seal it, and put in a cool dark place for like 6 weeks. *heave* Then, you scrape the nasty, soggy, Vodka soaked Rosemary off, and you have Rosemary Tincture. This stuff is awful! So, before I would fake sick to get the yummy medicine, now, I faked health, so I wouldn't have to drink that crud. So I guess it worked. You mix it with juice of some sort, and then slam it like a shot. Pinching your nose and holding your head back to help it go down more smoothly. This stuff is about as smooth as a freshly graveled road. Guh-ross!

Now I know, you are thinking, surely that is all! But nay, nay I say. There is more. Ohhhh yeah.  So, my mom's mom, lovingly known as 'Pitty Pat', had a sister, 'Aunt Carol, who brewed her own wine in their double wide in Bates City. Heh heh heh...yeah.  She would go a-hunting for elderberry's. Bitter little berry thingies that grow in the butt wild. Now elderberries are actually very good for you, and aren't too terrible as a juice. But it wouldn't be my family if it wasn't weird. So, my Aunt Carol made elderberry wine, which is of course, elderberry juice that you place in large glass jugs, put a balloon over the mouth of the jug and wait for the balloons to fill with toxic, rancid air from the juice, which can take some time; and when the balloons are large enough to burst, the wine is ready. Mmmmmmm.

My first encounter with this stuff, was about 12 years ago, so I was about 11. I was sick and had stayed home from school. My sweet Pitty Pat came to nurse me back to health. I was greeted by her with a glass of "juice". Evil. Pure Evil.  Its deep purple hue, made me think it was grape juice. Score! Nope, wine....WINE! AND I'm pretty sure it had a shot o' tincture in it. Dirty dirty trick. It was about an 8 ounce glass, and of course, I had to drink, "Every last drop". *Heave* If nothing else, it is sure to make you sleep.

To this day, my mom and Pitty Pat swear that that stuff works. Um, no. I don't believe them.  It was probably, likely, definitely one of those things people did because they loved to watch their kids reaction to it. They were undoubtedly trying to win the $10,000 grand prize on America's Funniest Home Videos with our full body-dry-heaving-convulsions. Dirty dirty trick.

However, little did I realize how much all this home-brewing dookie would shape the crazy I am today...

I'll be back later with part 2 of my wild and wacky childhood. If I had a functioning camera, you might even get some pix. We'll see. Until next time....Peace, Love, and Alcoholic Remedies.